Civility & Community
Matthew 18:15-20
“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”
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Being a Presbyterian minister means that there is a lot of polity and rules you have to memorize. Some of it you hold onto, but there's probably a good handful that gets lost along the way. However, there's a couple of rules that I've always held onto in ministry. The first rule is, "Never talk about others in a vague sense, use names." (i.e., So and so said this.) And the second rule is, "If you have a problem, tell the other person or party, don't hold onto it and let it fester." Living in a community with other people will inevitably lead to disagreements and conflict. How we handle those tense situations will reflect our ability to put Jesus' teachings about the subject into practice. And these practices help us develop civility in community.
We hear Jesus this morning remind those who gathered around him, the disciples, and a multitude of others, that if you have a problem with someone, go and talk to them. Go and talk to might seem like an obvious solution, yet it is one that we don't implement nearly enough! Talking is the first step in working towards healing and reconciliation. The practice of listening and conversing is what is at the heart of Jesus' teaching this morning in the Gospel of Matthew. To pursue this course of dialogue isn't easy, though, and the thought of coming to an equitable decision with someone who we perceived as wronging us doesn't come naturally. But that is what Jesus explicitly asks us to do.
We would much rather blame other people. We would preferably try and bring other people into the picture not to help ease the tension as a third party, but have them on our side with us in the argument. In mediation, we would call this "triangulation," the practice of using a third party to express ourselves instead of directly with the other person or party. For some reason, we are more willing to sink enormous amounts of emotional and physical energy into social manipulation. Which is perplexing because if we took the time and effort to address things head-on in a compassionate manner, the fruit of such work would be self-evident. It gets us nowhere if we play the blame game or complain; in a community, an effort has to be put in that guides us to an understanding of the other party.
Living in a community of faith, or living in any community, may best be understood as a two-way street. There is a give and take, a burden-sharing when it comes to handling issues that arise between us. We might naturally think that the person who caused the wrong would be the one who starts the process of healing and reconciliation. However, Jesus tells us that the onus is on us to initiate the process of repairing these relationships. Someone has to get the ball moving, and as we know, the longer we let these feelings eat away at our souls, the harder it will be to undo the shackles they tie around our hearts. Understanding begins with cultivating our ability to empathize, which may or may not be an emotional muscle we need to exercise.
In the moments when we feel wronged or hurt, we must be careful how we respond, or else we will contribute to the growing cycle of misunderstanding and pain. If we can tear back the layers of miscommunication that reveal what is at the heart of the conflict, the process of renewal can begin. That is the power of empathy, the power of listening, but it takes practice, and believe me, it is a skill we will need to hone this year.
There's a poem about the power of empathy, of listening, that I think will help put things into perspective for us today. In a way, it ties into the conversations we've been having about the Ten Commandments and the teaching we hear from Jesus this morning. It's a poem called "The Raincoat" by Ada Limón, which beautifully captures the power of being able to recognize the stories we don't know in other people:
It's a beautiful poem, one in which the conflict is internal. We don't know how the mother feels as she drives her child to physical therapy. We don't know what goes through the mind of the daughter as she sits in the long car drive singing because she thought her mother liked it. We don't know, but we discover at the end of the poem, that there is a realization of what was given up so that she might be the person she became. In stepping back, in listening, in understanding from a new perspective, the daughter understands the internal struggles and sacrifices her mother made for her.
That is the kind of empathy Jesus is asking us to embody. It doesn't mean that we stop seeking justice and amicable amends, but that step isn't even within our reach if we haven’t first stopped to take a moment to consider how our actions impact those around us. To take in the bigger picture of what it means to live in a community and a community of faith. Jesus asks something more of us and it doesn’t seem fair, but it’s what's expected of us.
As people who are older than three years old, we often look down at children and their ability to empathize and make amends when things go wrong. I think we underestimate their capacity to relate to one another, and often children set a better example of reconciliation than those of us who call ourselves "adults." It's a challenge at times, I admit, granted an important challenge. How will we conduct ourselves in a manner that curtails the negativity that swirls around us? What we will find is that civility and community don't mean we all smile and pretend everything's okay. There is a lot of sweat and blood and tears that go into building the kind of just, loving, compassionate community that Christ wants us to construct.
As I mentioned before, we'll be heading into another tumultuous November. Keep this passage from Matthew at the forefront before you share things online or lash out at others. Listen with an open heart and empathize in a manner that reflects how you would want to be treated by someone else. There are plenty of stumbling blocks that will get in our way along the rocky road of life. However, there is a greater number of things we can overcome together if we set our hearts on the life-giving pathway God sets before us. If we can manage these goals, then we will be better for it, and contribute in our own unique way to ending the cycles of mistrust, bitterness, and hate. So may we be agents of change who listen, who initiate healing and reconciliation, and a people who are willing to step back and see the broader picture before speaking, writing, or texting. Let us be the example Christ set for us in a world that needs more people who can bring a healing presence. Amen.